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[02 Jun 2009|07:37pm] |
friday i return to california for good. i'll randomly be at my house in az, but i'm definitely back. friday and saturday night i will be welcomed home by my favorite hardcore band of all time, disembodied. i hope to see a million old faces and some of the more familiar ones. i'm going with rachel and danielle, we're reppin' the old school with that combo. i don't want to forget this:
dear members of disembodied,
you angry mother fuckers, i love you. thanks for doing such an incredible job of sublimating that passion in your heart, being something the troubled could relate to when little else spoke to us. thanks for getting me through my dark and pissed high school years. you were a hell of an outlet. thanks for having a lady in the band too. your sticker has been on my car so long i can barely read it anymore. thanks for being so heavy that my ears can't always handle you. remember when i had your name in huge old english letters on the back of my scion xb? yea, that was awesome. i need to chill out. i can't help being a super fan. really, seriously, sincerely; i will always love you.
life is not how it appears to be
nothing is...how it seems
In this delusional reality..
It all depends on what you see.
what you choose to see
what you choose to feel
what you choose to be
perception is illusion
paranoid delusion
free your mind and the answers become more clear
everything is relative.
the truth is self evident.
there is nothing to fear
but fear itself
life is good.
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| graduation |
[15 May 2009|04:31pm] |
first, my friend who was interviewed on his way to the stadium. they edited his first two sentences to include the words "virgin" and "butt" - but then again, he did say them. i love gregger.
my mom started a fight with my dad and danielle at graduation. totally lame. however, i was on the field enjoying a wonderful new book, elegance of the hedgehog. it's fantastic. written from the perspective of a 12 year who plans to commit suicide she discusses her feelings about life and her search to find meaning and reason to live before her d-day. it's witty and ridiculous.
"people aim for the stars and end up like goldfish in a bowl. i wonder if it wouldn't be simplier just to teach children right from the start that life is absurd."
"so if there is something on the planet that is worth living for, i'd better not miss it, because once you're dead, it's too late for regrets, and if you die by mistake, that is really, really dumb."
"when i say art, don't get me wrong: i'm not talking about great works of art by great masters. even vermeer can't convince me to hold life dear. he's sublime, but he's dead. no, i'm referring to beauty that this is in the world, things that, being part of the movement of life, elevate us."
it made me cry a lot. so did walking into sun devil stadium and seeing how beautiful it looked, how well everything was organized, and such. nothing over the top, at all. just us, a couple banners, a stage, and barack obama. you guessed it, he made me cry too.. apparently my conservative ass grandma kept saying "YES! YES!" his whole speech. and she danced when alice cooper (his son goes to asu) came on stage at like 4pm.
i wanted my family to meet me at my work to take pictures, it's a cool building with thermal fans on the roof. but that was too difficult for my mom so they all went home and i didn't get to see them. i wanted to see my sister, i guess she cried. it sucks my mom wanted the attention on her, like a child, but when she called me to fight i simply told her i wouldn't do it on my grad night and that she should consider growing up. in the end, my family was really strong for me, put up with her, and i got to read peacefully on the field in front of my hero. that's pretty cool.
afterwards, danielle and my dad met me back on campus and we all got a beer. he left, we drank some more, got a free shirt, and a dude on a bike cart took us to my favorite bar for free. i gave him money anyhow and he told us dirty jokes. at closing time my dad picked up us, got us snacks and hangover drinks. he went to bed, while danielle and i hung out in the back yard pestering some of my male friends. haha
the next day danielle and i adventured around the awesome shopping center walking distance from my house. i bought some dollar records (stevie nicks, bill cosby live, mozart, beethoven, disney's robin hood live action recording for radio, nature sounds, and bach's greatest hits, also a protest cd from vietnam ft. elton john and such). i also purchased professional headphones and haven't taken the off. dr. dre's chronic on vinyl, iron/win's new live album, jurassic park, and day watch are now in my possession as well. thanks uncle brian! plus the girl at the store was cool and we talked for awhile.
by the time we got to the bookstore our hangovers we're bringing us down. we bought a couple trinkets, some food, and i went home. then we went to guadalupe where my car broke down. we got beers to cool off while we waited. guadalupe is like santa ana, but more cultural. i love it there, it's small and about a mile from my house, but a nice escape. plus they're too poor to afford police - WHAT A THOUGHT! we drank our beers while walking down the street and layed in some grass at the market.
when we finally got home danielle and i traded a bunch of music, hung out a little longer, then she went home.
so it all turned out fantastic. yea, emotions ran high, but shit! this was huge. not to mention, danielle and i haven't been close like this in awhile, that was awesome. as always, i'm missing my daddy too. but you know. ups and downs come together. i'm happy. very happy. a total "yes-sayer"!
speakingofnietzsche, as i always do. i made a video with a couple classmates for our final. i don't care what anyone says, you cannot write satisfying papers on philosophy. it's too damn narrow. anyhow, the video addresses nietzschian themes in modern films. we include some of his quotes and there's a little bit of plot. hope you enjoy it!
"sub specie aeterni" which shows up at the end, means from the viewpoint of eternity.
:)
<i>edit: oops i already made an entry about the video.
oh well, give her a second chance!</i>
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[11 May 2009|09:11pm] |
took my last final at asu today.
i'll admit it, i'm proud. i'm really fucking proud.
first to graduate in four years since my gma/gpa.
matched my pops. moving somewhere like oregon (n. cal, most likely).
happy. really happy.
all the work paid off. from the first day of cc when i was typing up my four year plan to being at the end of the incredible adventure. i don't feel like a over-prepared nerd anymore, i just feel accomplished. i'm ready for all this.
i really wish he was here. i wish he could see this one, but it won't be my last.
my dad was in this with me at every moment.
so was my sister, my step dad, jillian, and everyone else who ever helped me keep going. if it even creeps into your mind that you might be included there, you're right. :)
i can't believe this. gracias. thank you. děkuji.
hdgkjandfslgndafh
good bye asu. i love yew.
 
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[10 May 2009|02:12pm] |
another point for society..
nbc has a new show called "parks and recreation". recently, there was a dog poop fight featured on the show. i passed out watching it... anyways, if you google it to get to the free episode website - yea yea yea i don't want to pay for cable - you get links to ny's actual parks and rec department, your city's local chapter, and the national one. they're all neat sites. new york is always leader of the pack. it's cute.
also, watch the movie i spent a ton of time editing. it was for my nietzsche class.
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[07 May 2009|03:49pm] |
today i looked up an incredible artist whose music was mixed with mozart, her own violin, biggie, and all important controversy. it was emily wells, thanks laura. who got her famous by putting her on the radio and interviewing her?
npr.
they use aesop beats between segments every once in awhile. explosions in the sky as well. thank goodness we have public news sources on our side. diane rehms is my hero.
sometimes i like society. brings a tear to my eye.
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| grad present |
[07 May 2009|03:04pm] |
getting tattoo numero tres tomorrow. it's going to be on my fore arm, blended into the one on my wrist. i haven't seen the drawing yet. the one i drew for my artist has a book, a music line from yann tiersen (always studied to him), and the fibonacci sequence mixed with tree branches. i gave him a rene magritte book for coloring ideas and aubrey beardsly for background and details.
i made sure to have it started before my family arrives for commencement haha. gramizzle is going to ask if it's real and my uncle is going to tell me it's ugly. then they're all going to get jealous.
barack in my face next wednesday.
i'm a big girl now.
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| wrote this the other day, decided to just post it. |
[03 May 2009|12:57pm] |
funny thing with women, we actually have a conscience (sp?). men probably do too, i'm sure there are those out there, but fuck (buttfuck?).. seriously though, if i had a dude in my life it would shorten all my adventures quite a bit (or at least restrict them). love is rad, real connection is timeless. but i haven't found it. i've instead learned about betrayal, vanity, fucking, psychology, and a gross misrepresentation of men. it has driven me to uninhibited freedom and i give credit completely to the tragedy or whatever dramatic term would be suiting. point is, i would not be compelled to feel, love, care, or act in the way i do without the shit i've experienced. it's not the worst, but it isn't the best. being anywhere near lost is enough to understand anyone all the way. we can't rescue, but we can understand each other.
lesson: learn, don't look back for something new. the only change is in the chaos of the future and the depth of the moment.
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[12 Apr 2009|07:07pm] |
i got into university of san francisco's environmental management program.
i'm thinking about it. it's nice to have options.
i still think i want to disappear to another country for awhile.
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[06 Apr 2009|10:43pm] |
today my school hosted the "origins symposium". web cast here: http://origins.asu.edu/
speakers included brian greene, richard dawkins, steven pinker, lawrence krauss, a nobel panel, several people from npr, and stephen hawking's daughter. hawking himself was supposed to be there but he fell ill and instead gave his presentation by audio feed and powerpoint. it was all about the human need to colonize other planets. kind of scary. these might be final suggestions, you know? uhhh sooo guys, chances are earth can't handle us much longer, we need to look to space... he named off a bunch of moons and possible techniques for building bases too.
then he quoted star trek and it turned out the whole thing was a promotional event. jesus is real and he lives in jurassic park.
really though. it was fucking amazing. i love my university. we have some of the top social science colleges in the world. our school of human evolution and social change is number 4 in the nation. the school of sustainability is the only one in the country. and we're ranked top 10 most green universities in the nation. "origins" is a program started completely by lawrence krauss. the guy that discovered "lucy" works at our school too, he presented today as well.
"my mind is a paradox. my body is not." - stephen hawking
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[26 Mar 2009|11:41pm] |
i was looking at my little sister's myspace just now and noticed a poem she wrote for me in her heroes section. i started crying like a baby. man, i love her so much. she's my fucking world. she's 14 and will be starting high school soon, she's also absolutely beautiful soooo we'll see how that goes haha
"Sissy"
For sissy who always seemed to know how,
and just when,
whose hair is the prettiest blonde i've ever seen,
and has the sweetest tone,
who minded least exactly when it was needed,
and laughed at all my stupid jokes,
who has been, and always will be, my numero uno,
and knew all the right ways to make me feel safe,
and taught me about life in the essence,
and coached me through the tough and difiicult situations,
and spoke lovingly of me always,
and helped me with no seccond glance at the time,
even though we're thousands of miles apart,
i feel as if she's two inches away,
and smells of the warmth and safety of home,
who makes delectable sandwhiches,
and seems to know exacly what to do and say always,
thankyou sissy
this was a school assignment, to write a poem about who you care most about in the world. yoop. that'd be my sissy
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[04 Feb 2009|09:48pm] |
- more philosophy 498 with professor crittenden -
after some funny emails about not knowing irish or the alphabet dr jekyl took a break and got replaced by mr hyde over our first discussion paper (1 page long). i got mine back with a big line through the second page that says "I've stopped reading here!" Mind you, it was FOUR PARAGRAPHS long!
DICK!
me: On my last paper you wrote that you stopped reading when it got too long. In order to give you the chance to read the entirety of my newest paper I decided to edit the version I turned in tonight. I've attached the newer, shorter, and double spaced(!) version if you choose to give it your attention instead.
mr. c: So your newest question was also two pages long, but now reduced to one page plus a bit? Is that right? Are you unable to edit it down any more? Is that an issue? Shall I show you how it might be done? I really want less than one page, but one page is fine. Two pages? Why?
me: Philosophy makes me crazy! I have notes on my readings a good 10 pages long.
I guess I could not be contained within one page for this one, but I will next time.
I've got a lot of history with this man. Not sexually, because he's dead.
Which brings me to the question; is sex with the dead the last taboo?
haha. i don't know if i love or hate this guy!
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| my philosophy teacher |
[27 Jan 2009|10:47pm] |
so my class on nietzsche is bad ass. it's fun reading everything again from a more enlightened position in my life.
my teacher, however, is crazy. i mean, i love him, but he's is the most stereotypical philosopher you can come up with. when i asked if i could be late to class (they are 3 hours long) in order to attend a protest against state budget cuts he gave me this response:
Do you really want and need permission?
If I said, "no, come to class," would you?
all the same i tell ya. they make me giggle. really though, the guy is considered one of the best political science teachers at ASU and is a dirty love child of harvard and oxford. psh whatever.
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[23 Jan 2009|01:36am] |
we can never stop talking to each other. once we start there is little stopping us, i guess there are a lot of gaps to fill. i'm so into it. still wonderfully weird.
life gives and takes, constantly. getting stuck on any turn is a bad idea, there is always something unpredictable ahead.
i can admire true chaos born from an order of things.
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[12 Jan 2009|04:56pm] |
it's kind of funny i never really notice that i rub off on people until it's pointed out to me. i guess that's good though, i just keep pushing as if no one is listening (and believing no one is listening).
the reason i'm saying this is related to vegetarianism. in the 6 years i've been attempting as best i could to assume this way of life i've turned about 7 people to the light without much effort. i don't believe in harassing anyone or manipulating people with guilt in order to be good so i don't talk about it much, but i lead by example. over the years my choices have led a lot of friends and people to ask me "why?" and i usually say "any possible reason you can think of; health, the environment, sympathy, and passion. plus, every single day i can say i'm doing something that matters." the fact that i've watched the success of organic food and vegetarian options grow over the years feels great too, because i feel connected to the movement in a very deep way.
some try to tell me they love meat or give me a hard time, i just say "i don't miss it in any way what so ever and you can do whatever you want." or "don't give me a hard time and i won't give you one, but if you want to try i guarantee you a battle." the latter one has come from the resentment i've grown over the years. i mean come on, it gets a little fucking annoying when people try to defend something scientifically and morally off.
none the less, those close enough to me that know they can ask me about it without giving them some typical peta-esque speech, usually probe further, truly interested. by the end, everyone at least has a better understanding, wants to eat less, or wants to go ahead and give it a real try. most of my friends are sold on the part where you lose weight if you know what you're doing, but hey whatever puts less meat on the table.
anyhow, enough preaching shit. the point is, i'm really happy that i'm at a point in my life where people trust me, listen to me, and understand that i'm not going to try and sell them bullshit. i'm also not going to make you feel bad for your choices, just show you what others are out there. i'm glad i can help people, i'm glad there is a purpose in the things i do. one decision i made at a carls jr with a few friends has changed my life. i honestly can't say i'd be the compassionate, loving person i've become today if it weren't for the choice to stop eating meat. i mean shit, when i was 15 i used to defend bush. now look at me, a flaming hippie, starving for the newest technology, discoveries, and news (i read the news and scientific journals like it's my job, but i guess it kind of is).
the other side of this, too, is that i wouldn't be here without the support and trust i've received. i wouldn't believe in myself, i wouldn't feel powerful, i wouldn't think anything i do matters... but i do and that's an amazing way to feel when you wake up in the morning.
so if you've ever taken my advice, or even asked for it, or read something i wrote and really took it to heart.... thank you.
i really appreciate it and it's my motivation to keep going, to keep providing for people and helping expose more to the truth and beauty that exists in our societies and world. plus i know i talk about current events to a point that it can get annoying, so thanks for putting up with me too. <3
i've been given an extraordinary life, with extraordinary opportunities and i feel it's my duty to those that haven't to reap it all of as much wealth as i can. my goal in life is to be driven by what is needed in our world, in people, and in our cultures.
you're all on this journey with me and if i can make yours better by anything i do, then my life has been worth living.
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| my final semester at asu |
[05 Jan 2009|07:51pm] |
i can't believe i'm down to my last four classes as an undergrad
my bon voyage tour
- personality theory and research
- cognitive systems and intelligence agents (nanopsychology)
- nietzsche seminar (only 20 students were accepted in this class)
- comtemporary global trends
come may i'll finally be holding my bachelor of science in poli sci with an international studies certificate and a minor in psychology (plus a science and society focus)...
i won't have to say my long winded degree title anymore either.
i'm pretty fucking excited.
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[03 Jan 2009|12:03pm] |
i can't believe i ever had friends with screen names like "slice ppr wrists" or "alltalknomosh" or that mine was "pistol pistol bang"
...but i am going to write grad school admissions essays about it
Hardcore music taught me it was okay to be angry, to scream, to have passion beyond words on paper, or voices flowing through air. I had something bigger, something more to fight for. I saw the world as a dark and ugly place, but rather than hate it, I wanted to change it. I wanted to open eyes, I wanted to know it all, and I wanted to be different. I still feel the same way, but I've altered my course from meaning, to effort.
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| lives lost |
[23 Dec 2008|02:17am] |
my grandpa wally died the day after kotter. really, my dad's mom (actual grandma) died before i was born, wally was married to her sister, margie. margie and wally naturally took on the role of grandparents for me (since my dad's dad died before i was born as well) and i've been in love with them my entire life. they were incredibly important to my dad and i so i've made an effort to see them every time i have been home since i moved. i went out to lunch with them, my uncle doug, and my aunt janice when i was home last month. i got to hug wally, talk about his time in the navy, and say i love you one last time. we've all been preparing for the last few years, but now that it has happened i'm devestated. i haven't really been able to grieve for him yet, since kotter was so fresh and painful. i found out a a friend has cancer as well, i'm not sure when that will hit me.
my step dad and sister drove out to arizona to pick me up and take me home. i missed my grandpa's funeral because it was on the same day as kotter's funeral.
i've been in bed for the last week, other than when i had to go to maureen's graduation party, kotter's bday, and my friend amy's bacholarette party. i was finding comfort in my home and went through a deep inward experience. but when i first got back to my dad (step)'s house last night i couldn't get death off my mind. i kept seeing my dad, my grandpa jay, my grandma ester, caroline, kotter, and my grandpa wally. i couldn't stop thinking about my dad and i just laid there crying until i decided to get melitonin and relax. i woke up sweating about a 100x. today i had a panic attack when my dad disappered for too long at target. once i felt better and rationalized that something awful had NOT happened i calmed down and helped them decorate our apartment. we all feel a lot more at home now and i was able to do something that helped them, which in turn healed me a little.
i feel like i'm going crazy. my mom thinks i may be going through post traumatic stress and i really want to talk to a psychiatrist when i get my head on straighter. yes, i did call my mom the morning after i found out about kotter, wally, and my friend with cancer. i guess no matter how shitty she is, it was just the kind of thing i needed a mom for. she helped but we haven't talked much since outside of texting, i haven't been talking to almost anyone on the phone though. i hope seeing my families will help. although, i think this is long from being better. i think the most i can do is just live the days through, try to get back to normal, and remember that death is an inevitable part of being alive.
amy's wedding is next sunday and jordan is going with me, i'm really happy it is soon and i can think about something so powerfully the opposite of tragedy. i should also mention that my friend alysa recently gave birth and i couldn't be happier that baby bayley is healthy and well. they went through some scares but she came out perfect.
although, i am lost in wake of death i must say i am glad to feel the pain, because it means that i have had my heart deeply touched and that i have the power to help carry on their spirit in this world. i'm trying to look for silver linings.
to a new year and a new day...
PS i'm not spell checking this, there isn't a right click on macs so fuck it.
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[13 Dec 2008|05:35pm] |
i don't believe anyone that reads my journal knows kotter, but i want to share the amazing person i was blessed to know, with you all. 22 day good years.
PLEASE REMEMBER HOW FRAGILE WE ALL ARE.
cherish your life. do good, help others, live consciously.
you will find no greater happiness.
know that we are all connected,
that any decision we make affect more than we can imagine or even witness.
most of all, be strong. work together to overcome.
for clinton bell, better known as kotter.
in times like these little can be said to alter anyone's state of mind (of course there is always alcohol, which kotter would have readily approved). we lost one hell of a person, a true man, a true friend, and a pure soul. the kid inspired anyone he met, everyone has a story or memory to share. he will be missed, tremendously.
i've already started to notice his influence on his friends, his deep impact in so little time. he had that power, to infect people, to change the mood of any situation. we all had different friendships and bonds with him, but we all loved him.. it's funny i can say we definitely said that phrase to each other at least 10 times in our short friendship. what an incredible thing.
i hope the words below can do what they have done before, for all of us right now.
"The most important thing I learned was that when a person dies he only appears to die. He is still very much alive in the past.. All moments, past, present and future, always have existed, always will exist. We can look at all the different moments just that way we can look at a stretch of the Rocky Mountains, for instance. We can see how permanent all the moments are, and we can look at any moment that interests them. It is just an illusion we have here on Earth that one moment follows another one, like beads on a string, and that once a moment is gone it is gone forever."
"Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt."
kotter is the bear, obviously. haha<3
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[13 Dec 2008|03:48am] |
at first i thought
my experience with my dad will help me through this.
but i kept shaking and it didn't stop.
my reality is shattered.
fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck.
we are supposed to stay perfect.
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